'Falling in love is easy': 16 tips to keep the romance alive

Relationships pass the honeymoon phase and couples can slip into coexisting without noticing as life gets busy, complicated and stressful.

One therapist explains that “falling in love is easy”, while growing into mature love, “one that truly values and honours the other, takes time and effort”.

One psychologist explains that research on attachment in couple relationships has shown partners need to demonstrate accessibility, responsiveness and engagement in order to build a secure bond and “make us more resilient when tough stuff arises”.

A sex and relationship therapist offers her tricks to prevent relationships from getting to the point of resentment, which is “a pain in the a**” to treat “because it’s like trying to get a three-day-old espresso stain out of the carpet”.

Instead of waiting for it to hit the fan, local relationship experts have offered relationship and couple therapy exercises everyone can do at home.

“Falling in love is easy. Growing into mature love, one that truly values and honours the other, takes time and effort.

Her simple exercises help couples stay connected and grow intimacy and bonds.

Share appreciations

Take time daily to stop, look into one another’s eyes, and each of you share: “one thing I’ve appreciated about you today is [something]”.

Then each share: “when you did [something] for me, I felt [one-word feeling]”.

Moulton says this is “probably the quickest, easiest” thing to make the “biggest difference” in your relationship.

Love language

Growing and maturing a relationship is about learning to love our partner in the way they need to be loved, which may be very different to what we need, Moulton says.

Have opening and closing rituals

Moulton says the way you start and end the day together can hugely impact a couple’s level of connection.

Sharing a long hug, giving shoulder massages, or doing a meditative exercise together are examples of staying connected to your partner even if you don’t get much time to talk or connect throughout the day.

Communicate frustrations safely and respectfully

Moulton explains that it’s easy to say things out of frustration when we feel hurt by our partner, however, blame, shame and criticism “are sure ways to push your partner further away”.

Use ‘I’ statements, for example, ‘when you say [something], I feel [vulnerable feeling]’.

She says trying to express the vulnerable feelings beneath frustration makes it easier for your partner to hear, rather than if they feel it is just criticism.

Tauranga-based psychologist Kate Ferris works with individuals, couples and families, and says good relationships “don’t just happen”.

“We need to cultivate skills and remain actively engaged in the practice of doing love.”

Her exercises are designed to foster aspects of thriving relationships — accessibility, responsiveness and engagement — found in research on attachment in couple relationships to strengthen bonds and make couples more resilient when done regularly.

“Building positive relationships is integral to our wellbeing — they make us happier, increase self-worth and belonging, and are a protective factor against a wide range of negative health outcomes.”

Conversational prompts

Each partner writes several questions on separate pieces of paper. Take turns pulling one out and answering the question.

Questions should be exploratory and intended to evoke new information. For example: what advice would you have for your younger self? When do you feel most alive? What are three things I do that make you feel loved? Avoid “gnarly sensitive topics” — agree in advance to keep things positive and affirming.

Ferris says conversational intimacy games are a great way to stay curious and strengthen the connection — a chance to tell stories, see and be seen, and practise active listening skills.

Mindful touch

Put aside some goal-less time to simply touch with a “fresh perspective” and an emphasis on your five senses. Slowing down and engaging the senses when touching or being touched by your partner can deepen connections, she says.

Discuss in advance any boundaries or preferences. Reorient your focus back to touch, smell, taste, sound and sight when you catch yourself thinking.

If it feels safe, share some of your affirming sensory discoveries. You can do this fully clothed, or not.

Body-based calming

Some simple ways to calm a stressed brain are deep belly breathing, a short sharp burst of exercise, stretching, and exposure to a big temperature differential — like splashing cold water on the face.

These strategies activate the parasympathetic nervous system to bring our bodies back into balance because the thinking part of the brain shuts down when a stress response is activated, making it hard to communicate in the thick of a conflict.

She says a shared agreement to “time out” for a body break is important in shifting ingrained patterns of dysfunction, however, there also needs to be a shared commitment to reengage and resolve once calm.

Novelty

One of Ferris’ favourite studies tracked couples to find the secrets to their success, and found they all had three things in common: they recalibrate their expectations of each other, diversify how they get their needs met, and they have novel experiences together.

To inject a bit of novelty into your relationship, write a list of experiences to share together ranging from small daily changes to wild fantasies.

“When we engage in novel activities, the brain releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine — and when we do these things together — it generates bonding.”

Values exercise

Download a list of core values and talk about what the suggested values mean for you both. Choose four to six values, then, under each one, bullet point what you could do to live out that value, keeping the language positive and aspirational, she says.

To finish, craft your chosen values into a “mission statement” and display it in your home. For example “we love big, and live with curiosity, courage and creativity”.

She says having a clearer sense of shared values and an action plan to live in greater alignment with them, our relationships become more “intentional and anchored”.

Rotorua relationship counsellor Joy Dorflige says your relationship has the potential “to be the foundation for a great life; a friendship you can trust, support when trouble strikes and a partnership that more than doubles the effectiveness of two people”.

She says it’s easy to forget to attend to our relationship in the busyness of our complicated and stressful lives, and urged people to take the time to invest in each other; talk, cuddle, enjoy activities together and honour each other in particular ways.

Too many partnerships end when the relationship has been neglected and ignored, she explains, “and then one or other strays and looks elsewhere for its care and nurture”.

“The personal pain that follows such a situation, not to mention the financial and legal mayhem, especially if children are involved; can be horrendous and ongoing.”

Eye contact and smiles

When you wake up in the morning, before anything, Dorfliger says to roll over and take a good, long look at your partner’s eyes.

“Try to hold eye contact for a few seconds and communicate to them without words that you love them.”

She calls it “the loving gaze” and says partners build connecting pathways to each other when a point is made to make good eye contact. Smiling is another easy way to communicate connection.

Greetings and goodbyes

Dorfliger says to make a habit of marking when our partner arrives or leaves, reminding them they will be missed, for example, a ritual of hugging, kissing, waiting and waving goodbye. When you reunite, make a habit of delighting in their arrival.

Physical contact

Holding hands, hugs, sitting together on the couch, and even a touch on the shoulder communicates loving closeness, she says, and can be done in social settings too by standing together with shoulders or elbows touching.

She says intimate physical contact is also important and works well with good communication about preferences and boundaries.

She says it may be necessary, in this busy world, to deliberately carve out time for intimacy as this can be seriously neglected when two people are overly committed to work, children, hobbies, and other friendships.

Thinking about them while you are apart

Leaving a note, sending a quick text or calling, bringing home a small gift, or scheduling an evening together can effectively strengthen your relationship, she says.

Dorfliger says knowing your partner is thinking about you creates a feeling of rest and safety.

Share rituals of connection

This could be having a coffee before work, an evening walk or listening to music or a podcast together, which most can do at least once or twice a day for at least 20-30 minutes, sex and relationship therapist Serafin Upton says.

Agree that screens and devices stay out of the bedroom and get put away after an agreed time at least a few times a week, she says, as screens and devices are love and sex’s greatest killer.

Separate bedtime and sleep time; bedtime should be for snuggling and chatting and should be light, loving and affectionate — never for discussing the relationship or relationships with others, she says.

“A life well lived and well loved, isn’t about the Instagram moments, it’s about the small uncaptured moments of shared purpose between two people.”

Have a date

Aim for a date once every week or fortnight, with no talk about the kids, house, money, jobs, or “anything that seems like your day-to-day business as a couple”.

Dates should be fun, adventurous, curious, playful, frivolous, compelling, delightful, fascinating, wonderful, creative, or exciting, she says.

If you need to vent about the kids or work, Upton says do it for no longer than 15 minutes.

“A great date delights ... Don’t get overly stuck on who plans it ... if you both have a blast, that’s all that matters.”

Burn sage

Agree to meet once a week, fortnight, or month in a cosy location with your notebook for 10 to 30 minutes, and stick to this. Bring snacks and beverages, like a “meeting” to see how things are tracking, she says.

Tell your partner something you’re grateful to them for, something you’re enjoying or admiring about them, and their physical attractiveness or presentation.

Then, give them some feedforward. Keep it brief about what happened, what you saw or heard — strictly observational and facts — and what you’d like from them next time, then it’s their turn.

Burning sage ensures a safe place to raise discomforts instead of raising them out of the blue, and is “solely to clear the air and nip problems in the bud”, not raise trauma, major relationship grievances, or make decisions.

Upton says many couples struggle with conflict because they “avoid it like the plague”. Over time, this leads to resentment, which is problematic.

Tauranga teacher mystified after pole cemented into her driveway while she was out

When Tauranga teacher Sophie Hucker pulled into her driveway on Tuesday, she was surprised to find it had a new addition.

At first, she thought the plastic-wrapped metal pole standing more than two metres tall was a delivery.

“I thought maybe the neighbours ordered something - maybe it’s a pole for a basketball hoop,” she told the Bay of Plenty Times today.

The Ōtūmoetai woman pulled up to move it out of the way, but it wouldn’t budge.

“I saw and said, ‘Oh s***, it’s cemented in’,” she said, laughing.

The pole lined up with her garage, and her next thought was someone was trying to add a carport - but it wasn’t her.

She said her Chapel St house was on a cross-lease and the other unit looked similar, leading to think her neighbour may have ordered it and an installer accidentally got the wrong house. But he was away, so she couldn’t ask him immediately.

Before she left for work the next day, she left a note with her phone number on the mysterious pole. It said: “I have no idea what this is doing here - please call me!”

“Just in case any more work was done while I was out,” the Mount Maunganui College teacher said.

She said she asked her neighbour when he was back that day if he knew anything about it, and his response was: “Nah, I thought you were putting up a carport.”

Her next call was to the Tauranga City Council, but she said that was another dead end.

She wondered if it was a “random gift” as it had coincidentally appeared on her four-year anniversary of owning the home.

Her mum suggested it might be a prank and asked if she had annoyed anyone, which made Hucker laugh. She said it would be a very expensive prank to pull.

“I’ve got no answers,” she said, still laughing.

“My current conclusion is that some tradies made a big stuff-up and just left it, which is annoying and random.”

She said the pole wasn’t blocking her, rather it was “just a random inconvenience” that made it harder to turn around in the driveway.

“It’s not even round to swing around on,” she joked.

She put a post on a community Facebook page in the hope someone who had been expecting a pole delivery would come forward.

Hundreds of people engaged with the post, and while it has not produced any leads, it has produced a lot of jokes.

“Have you called the pole-ice?” “Random post lol.” “I find this post offensive, can you please remove it?”

Many were hanging on for updates.

“Everyone is so invested,” Hucker said.

She hoped whoever did the installation would come forward to finish the story and get their pole.

“Everyone wants answers now, we’ve got to have some answers around why and how,” she said.

She said if she didn’t hear from anyone, she would have to take it down herself.

Her message to the person who put it there was: “We’re only human and we all make mistakes ... I’m quite understanding.”

“You’ve provided a lot of entertainment value for everyone, but can you please come and get rid of it?

“I do not need that pole.”

Tourism Bay of Plenty: "Three. Two. One."

The countdown seemed slow but the moments between standing on the ledge outside the plane and diving towards the ground seemed even slower.

Jumping out of a plane with Skydive Tauranga was my first skydive, something on my bucket list that I hadn't gotten around to in my 25 years.

I was greeted with big smiles from the team at their HQ near the airport, an unsuspecting spot for adventure in Mount Maunganui's industrial area.

I'm suited up, given the run down, and we're off into the air.

Instagram-famous and Tauranga must-do Mauao shrunk unrecognisably, I saw the true shape and scale of Mōtītī Island for the first time, Lake Rotorua was a glimmer in the distance, and the rat-race below could be described as nothing other than serene.

The nerves I had denied began to grow when Tristan Webb, my instructor, leaned forward to tell me we were halfway.

You don't really appreciate how high 12,000 feet is until you're 6,000 feet up.

Five of us, including the pilot, sat snug in the small plane, and I sat across from another first-time jumper – Celine – a stranger who felt like a friend as what we were about to do sunk in.

As we circled upwards, the setting autumn sun seemed to hit every nook of the landscape.

I could have spent hours in the plane, and I wasn't sure the dive could be more beautiful than this.

I was wrong.

On the ledge, there was no option to turn back, and before I knew it, we were falling towards the ground.

Being so high up, the houses and buildings were nothing but speckles, the boats in the marina were practically invisible, and if you told me there were no cars on the road I would have believed it.

I couldn't hear much which seemed to amplify what I could see.

I glance towards Waihī beach with the sun mid sky and a soft golden glow on the water, lighting up the surrounding mountain ranges.

We fell and fell from above the clouds at 200km per hour for 45 seconds.

My cheeks squeezed up against my goggles from a mixture of the pressure and a smile that only seemed to grow.

It was surreal and I felt a sense of calm.

It was 45 seconds I've replayed many times since.

Once the parachute opens, we begin to drift and I look at my feet dangling above the bridge I drive over daily.

I'm allowed to lift my goggles and all the beauty of our region is magnified.

Tauranga is arguably the Mecca of New Zealand, known for the beaches, cafes and bars, people, and the proximity to other adventures just a short drive away.

If you thought the views were breathe taking from the peak of the Mount or Papamoa Hills, you're in for a treat.

I never knew Skydive Tauranga existed until recently, and always associated the activity with the likes of Queenstown and Wānaka.

After taking the plunge, I couldn't recommend the Bay's hidden gem enough.

We can't do anything but count ourselves lucky for having the best playground in the country.

For more inspiration on what to see and do in the Bay, visit bayofplentynz.com

There's a lot of life at Rotorua's Death Cafe

Death. It's not some we like to talk about with great enthusiusm. But sadly it happens to us all and perhaps it's time we changed our thinking towards it? That's the theory behind a new Death Cafe that's started in Rotorua, where locals get the chance to sit down with those who deal with death every day and nut out some details and finer points for when their time eventually comes. Reporter Cira Olivier heads along to the Death Cafe and finds out what the chatter was about and talks to locals about their plans for when they die.

You know something is up when a funeral home is buzzing, filled with laughter, cake, sandwiches and strong coffee.

A small room at the funeral home was transformed into a Death Cafe today with about 40 people munching on baked goods, talking about the ins and outs of what happens when we die.

Qualified and registered funeral directors, embalmers, celebrants, Hospice staff and grief counsellors were floating, answering what they could

Death Cafe is a global concept founded by Jon Underwood, based on the work of Bernard Crettaz.

Funeral director Richard Fullard said the objective was not to be seen as morbid, but rather for people to come, drink tea, eat cake and to "increase awareness of death with a view of helping people make the most of their (finite) lives".

Director Sam Osborne sat and spoke with a pregnant woman about the death of her father who died six months ago.

She was looking for a group of people to speak openly to about death, especially with people who saw it every day.

Osbourne said this was what the cafe was all about, talking about death in a "free-form" style but many were using the cafe to get information about finances.

And just like the tea, the conversations were flowing.

Sam Cook is 78 and although he has no plans on dying any time soon, knows exactly what he wants.

"Nothing elaborate, simplicity itself," he said.

"If I could, I would be taken to the crematorium strapped to a plank and wrapped in plastic, but I have to have a coffin."

So he is going to make his own coffin and has already been to Bunnings Warehouse to look at supplies.

Cook wants something "as cheap as possible" which means no embalming and no extravagant service.

"Once my body's dead it's no use to me."

The Christian man was not scared of death, it was more not knowing the way he would die. Something he hoped would not be drawn out with suffering.

"Death is the gateway to eternity," Cook said.

A DIY coffin might be out the question for Raewyn Small, 73, and Ian Keith, 76, but there will be absolutely no open casket and no big shindig.

If their family wanted to, they could have a morning tea after they were cremated.

The pair said funerals were just a chance for some people to profess fake despair, something they "can't be bothered with," Keith said.

"Funerals can be so false," Small said.

The pair felt honoured to live to their age, and Small said she was over the moon when she clocked 60 years around the sun.

Talking about death was not something they found uncomfortable and would often have general conversations about the topic. But both are fit and well and looked forward to seeing what age they managed to hit.

Dianne Pye works at the Kiwi Coffin Club and was standing near the assortment of the muffins, joining the constant flow of people there to talk to about the afterlife.

Also deeply involved in the industry of death, Pye said there was a stigma around those who worked with death - "they're not ghouls," she laughed.

Many people would come in and design their coffin and her role involved lining the coffins with whatever was requested. From the wacky to the more traditional.

"The latest was a sack, the coffin was lined with just a sack," she said.

Very much at peace with her own mortality, she had already designed her coffin, something she said all her colleagues at the coffin club had done too.

"It's going to happen, it's about getting your mind around it," she said.

While they tried to make the experience of choosing a person's death bed as comfortable as possible, she said people came at a range of stages of acceptance.

Working with those distraught about the approaching day or loved ones of those who passed away was sometimes sad, she said, but this was helped knowing she was able to make a difference.

"It's helping someone else . . . you go along with them," she said.

From Tararua to Tauranga to compete at the Aims Games

Tasmin Henricksen and Jack Fenemor have to travel 828km for their swimming training each week.

From their tiny rural town Pongaroa in the Tararua district to swimming pools in Dannevirke and Palmerston North.

And then back home again.

“I’ve gotten used to it,” Tasmin said.

“When you’re going to do something you really enjoy, you don’t think about the travel, you think about how much fun you’re going to have.”

This week all that travel and training has been worth it for the the two students from Pongaroa School.

Tasmin and Jack are representing all 58 pupils of their school at the Zespri Aims Games in Tauranga, competing alongside nearly 13,000 other young athletes from more than 390 schools around the country and overseas.

Tasmin, 11, has been swimming seriously for the past couple of years while Jack, 12, only started dabbling in competitive swimming in the autumn of this year, qualifying for the 200m freestyle two weeks ago.

“Other kids take up gaming but I like the swimming,” Tasmin said.

She first learnt to swim at 6 months old. Her mum Erin said swimming was an essential life skill when you live on a sheep and beef farm with many dams and troughs.

All the travel to and from training doesn’t seem to bother Tasmin either.

Erin said she and her husband wanted to provide their girls with as many opportunities as possible.

“It keeps them healthy, gives them a chance to learn as a team, learn their limits and push their limits.”

Tasmin started getting serious about swimming when she was 9.

Local coaches told her it would be best if she joined the Palmerston North Amateur Swimming Club – which is 96km away.

The family initially took her to the pool in Dannevirke – 51km away – but Tasmin eventually transferred to the Palmerston North club after significantly improving after several swimming camps.

The coaches at the club understood she couldn’t travel all that way for all the training and so allowed her to do some sessions in Dannevirke but still compete under the club name.

It all adds up to about six hours of training and 12 hours of driving each week, with two sessions at each location.

It’s lucky Tasmin loves being active.

“I like being able to be free,” she said.

She also does acro dance – a mix of dance and gymnastics – on Saturdays, and contemporary dance on Tuesdays after swimming.

In Term 2 she picks up netball on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and hockey on Friday nights.

“I find if I don’t stay active, I can get cranky.”

Tasmin was excited by the idea of the Aims Games and said it had been “a cool experience”.

She achieved personal best times in her first four races, which she credited to more people and stronger competition.

The road to the Aims Games has been quite different for her schoolmate Jack.

Not only is competitive swimming new to him but so is competitive sport of any kind, after years of not participating due to sore ankles.

His mum, Ruth, initially put it down to growing pains, but they eventually found and treated enormous pressure in his pelvis which was causing the pain in his ankles.

It was linked to him falling off a pony when he was 6.

Since starting competitive swimming earlier this year, Jack’s been training twice a week in the pool in Dannevirke.

The Year 8 student has gone from strength to strength and he’s not only swimming in Tauranga this week – he also competed in the cross country event on Sunday.

Jack said being pain-free is “amazing” – and so is being at the Zespri AIMS Games.

The Aims Games, an intermediate-aged multisport event for 10–13-year-olds, has become one of the largest youth sporting competitions in the Southern Hemisphere, this year running from September 7-13.

The tournament is so large that the hosts held two opening ceremonies at Mercury Baypark Arena; both are vibrant celebrations of youth sports, culture, and community spirit.